Unpublished

6.20.2012
I can't quite put my finger on it, but something isn't quite right.

Bron has been a little depressed, a little more irritable, a little more short-tempered.  The responsibilities of being both a husband and a father is wearing on him.

Perhaps it's because work is slow.  Milk prices have plummeted and feed prices are high, which means dairy farmers aren't doing well right now.  It's making Bron's job as a dairy nutritionist repetitious and tough.  However, folks say that if he can make it through this slump in the dairy business, then he will do well.

Perhaps it's the responsibilities of home ownership and all of the costs that are tied up in that.  There are lots of home improvement projects he'd like to do, but they all can't be done at once; there's only so much money to go around, you know.

I know a part of it is simply the challenges of having a two year old.  Jed is a whirlwind of energy these days.  If he is awake, he is GOING!  Thank goodness he sleeps well.  However, Jed still doesn't speak much.  We're really working with him on that, but it's going to take lots of time and patience.  Jed seems to whine for and about everything!  It's frustrating.  He's learning though that we ignore his whining and react much better to the word, "please".  Jed is also a boy.  Boys are destructive, especially when they're frustrated.  Jed doesn't listen to us very well either.  Our commands of "no" and "stop" don't do a thing until we get up on our feet and enforce them with a time-out: putting Jed's nose on the wall or putting Jed in his room.  It's exhausting!  Sometimes we just wish he would listen.  I know this stage won't last forever, but the day to day living of it makes it seem so.  

Honestly, I think it's this pregnancy that's really dragging Bron down.  I'm not my usual perky energetic self for nearly a year, or more accurately, and year and a half!  New babies are an adjustment.  It's tough on our relationship.  This summer is going to be especially hard.  Bron and I enjoy doing things together: running, biking, hiking, exploring, etc.  I'm seven months pregnant.  I can't run.  I can't bike.  (Bron is afraid all the pressure on my cervix will send me into early labor.)  I can't hike very far either.  Heck, I can barely walk a few miles.  My genitals have been extremely swollen this pregnancy.  I joke to Bron that my vagina is turning inside out!  It's not; everything down there is just simply swollen and there's no cure except delivery.  It hurts!  It especially hurts after being on my feet for a long period of time or after a walk.  I have to sit down.  I sit a lot.  It's a bummer because I love being outside and on the go, but this summer, it's just not possible.  Sex is non-existent in our relationship right now.  We've tried it; it doesn't work right.  I miss it!  Bron misses it!  That sexual relationship between a husband and wife is important; it's a time to bond, to enjoy one another!  So needless to say, our relationship has become rather boring.  We talk.  We watch movies together.  We cook together.  What we should do is go on more dates together.  (But that is complicated by the need for a good babysitter.)

Bron is really missing those days of being instantaneous, when we could just pick up and go anywhere at anytime.  We've been pretty good at taking Jed along with us everywhere, but as he gets bigger, it gets harder.  He needs a good nap.  He needs a diaper change.  He's hungry.  He needs to be in bed no later than nine.  He's wandering off and needs to be constrained!  Being responsible parents is kind of a drag sometimes.

I think Bron resents my embracing motherhood one hundred percent.  My life, my mind, my world, revolve around Jed, this pregnancy, cooking meals, and keeping the house clean.  He wishes I could talk about things other than my children or even photography (my other passion).  And Bron is right.  I need to be both a WIFE and a MOTHER.  A wife should come first, but as stated above, it's a bit hard for me to put on a thong and act sensuous right now.  Reading up on politics bores and frustrates me.  So I ordered a subscription to National Geographic.  Bron and I once had a two or three hour "discussion" (read: bordering fight) on intelligence spurred by an article I read in one issue.  I hope educating myself in other things will make me a bit more interesting of a person to talk with.

I often ask myself what else can I do?  I think I need to pray about that more.  I know my Heavenly Father can help.  After all, He wants our relationship to last for eternity, and so do I.

I'm pretty positive that Bron isn't the only husband and father with these feelings.  I suspect they're quite common.  Men just don't express them very often.  

The good news is that this pregnancy won't last forever.  I'm thinking one more pregnancy might be all we can handle.  Maybe, maybe two.  I just don't know.  All I know is that I want my husband to be happy.  This family doesn't work without him.  I love Bron with all my heart.

I hope we're able to get through this rough patch sooner than later.

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