Defeated and Redeemed All in the Same Breath
It's no secret that I've been struggling over the last few months. This freight train I'm on just seems to keep getting heavier and faster. And by the freight train, I mean life.
One thing at a time, more keeps getting added to my basket of responsibilities. This metaphorical basket is overflowing with so many good and wonderful things, but the weight of it has me leaning precariously to one side. I can't seem to find my balance and keep it.
Honestly, I'm just a mother drowning under all of life's demands. I can't keep up with anything the way I'd like to -- my boys, my home, my health, my young women's calling, my hobbies, the list goes on -- and it's so easy to feel guilt or remorse over it. To look back over a day and see all the things left undone or that came unraveled (including myself) is frankly depressing. I have never in my life been so busy and needed!
I seem to be in this continual cycle of try and fail. It can applied to any aspect of my life: exercise, patience, study and prayer. I cannot seem to be consistent in any one thing. And so I fail. I brush myself off. Try again. Fail again. One step forward. One step back. Maaaaybe I'm making progress a half step at a time? It's foggy from my point of view; I cannot tell if I'm making progress or not at all. I just hope I'm doing enough to meet the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of these four young boys!
But then I've been mulling over a particular thought all week. The thought is that Heavenly Father makes up for what we lack. When we are doing our best and following the covenant path as best we can, it allows for Heavenly Father to bless us. He makes up for the rest. His love and miraculous master plan fills in those missing pieces.
Well, Heavenly Father, this is my very best! Please fill in those cracks, crevices, and whole canyons of my life that I cannot fill on my own. Please help me raise these boys into whole young men!
The words of this wise and sweet mama resonated with me a few days ago and still does. So on the extra hard days when my boys are driving me wild, I'm going to pull this up and read it to remind me that this state of chaos I currently live in is okay. Life is meant to be busy and messy. But there's beauty in it too because family is where we learn to live and love as our Savior would.
"Pictures are a gift. They’re silent. They don’t move. They don’t hit their siblings. It’s delightful.
I can see a picture and stop for a moment and sit in awe of the blessing of this life of mine—without the arguing or pooping or spilling cereal across the floor or kicking holes in the wall or getting calls from the principal or stealing candy or eye rolling or “but momming” or streaking or coloring on the walls or crying or…
But all of that isn’t the unfortunate byproduct of family. It is family.
The teaching and the forgiving and the healing—and the redemption in it all—is a privilege to be a part of. It’s a gift that I get to spend up my life teaching little minds, nurturing little souls, molding little hearts.
And all of the mess leads me to the same conclusion as the perfect picture: I am in awe of the blessing of this life of mine." -- Jamie Finn
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