Time is such a bittersweet thing these days. Ezra is one month old. The last four weeks have been a sleepless but beautiful blur of nursing, diaper changes, and snuggles. By far my favorite part of having a newborn are the cuddles! It's hard for me to leave the nursery chair because I just want to soak in every moment: every curve of his little face, the sound of his breathing, how his little chin quivers when he cries, and the way his toes stretch as he eats.
I must be a hormonal mess still because there have been times that I've just held Ezra and cried. I've cried out of gratitude. I've cried because it feels like time is slipping by too fast. I've cried because the rest of my family needs me... as does the fact that we're gearing up to sell our home while building a new one. So much to do, so many things to clean and little people's problems to solve, when all I really want is sweet quiet time with my baby.
Newborn days are such sacred days. Few other times in my life have made me feel as if I was fulfilling my divine destiny more than caring for a newborn. I feel as if I was made for motherhood; made to be Ezra's (and Conrad's and Levi's and Jed's) mother. They are mine and I am theirs -- forever. We belong to one another and I have been given a stewardship to raise them into fine young men. It is both a humbling thought and feeling.
By the way, fourth babies are where all the joy and only 10% of the worry is at! I was dressing Ezra in one of Jed's first outfits when a flood of memories came sweeping in. I remember being so eager to see Jed reach the next milestone: rolling over, sitting up, sleeping through the night, etc. I worried if I was doing everything right. If I didn't sing him a lullaby, would he be tone deaf? So many silly things! With Ezra, I know I am enough. In fact, he is my child who has hands down been cared for with the most experience and patience. I don't worry if he'll ever sleep through the night. I know he will sleep eventually. Until then, I have a few tried and true habits to help get me through. Cradle cap and dry skin? No worries! Just smear vaseline on it. His skin looks beautiful, by the way.
It is truly hard to think Ezra is my last baby. This is it. I get to witness one last round of firsts. Bron, c'mon, we can totally handle a 5th child, right?! But I honestly wonder whether or not a 5th would be a good idea too.
The big boys are bored. A new baby is quite the adjustment! I'm a bit slow these days, recovering from delivery and caring for a baby: feed, diaper change, feed again. But fortunately, the boys don't seem to resent the baby. It's quite the opposite. They love Ezra! Jed is always enthusiastic about holding him and Conrad perpetually wants to pat his head. The first month is always crazy with the older siblings. They have each been acting out in their own ways. Jed has earned the nickname Eeyore on occasion and Levi is like a bull in a china shop! (We just laughed when we realized Conrad is the personification of Tigger.) It's frustrating, but I know the dust will settle soon.
Oh! And I should mention, at least in passing, about all the craziness our country faced this last month, from Covid to a huge Black Lives Matter movement that included mass riots. I don't have the time or energy to comment on it; it's pretty emotionally draining. But it's a part of Ezra's first days on earth and I want to remember it happened.
Ezra seems to be the perfect addition to our family at the moment. He is so chill. He only fusses when he's hungry or wants to be held. It means my Solly Wrap has become a daily accessory, but I thoroughly enjoy the cuddles and sleepy sighs as he sleeps on my chest while I go about making dinner and other daily tasks. And thankfully he's not too stubborn about being put down to sleep. He may awake when his head hits the mattress, but he usually grunts himself back into slumber. Oh, what a content and sweet child! Ezra is truly a joyful addition. Heavenly Father knew exactly what we needed and when we needed it.
I love you, Ezra, so so much!!! And I am so thankful God sent you to me.
