artifact motherhood

Showing posts with label artifact motherhood. Show all posts

Artifact Motherhood | My Double Mastectomy Part I

3.07.2023

Six days after a double mastectomy surgery, my heart raced and my fingers began to tremble as I read through my test results. I backed up and read them again more slowly. Was I reading this right?

It was in bold capital letters:

MULTIFOCAL DUCTAL CARCINOMA IN SITU, INTERMEDIATE TO HIGH-GRADE, WITH COMEDONECROSIS

That can't be right. I just had an MRI two weeks ago and the results were clear. Does this really say I had cancer in my left breast?

I took a screenshot and sent it to my sister, Lauren. She would be familiar with this terminology because she had survived stage III breast cancer less than six years ago.

She texted back.

"HOLY SH**"

"JESSIE!!"

Just then my phone rang. It was my doctor, the breast specialist. She sounded emotional.

"So I really did have cancer?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes. But this is the absolute best kind of phone call I can make. We caught it early. The cancer had not metastasized. Your margins are clear. Normal protocol would be to start hormone blockers and radiation, but in your case we don't need to do anything. Your mastectomy is prevention and a cure. You don't need to worry about recurrence. But I do want to see you every six months for the next two years."

I was in tears. Tears of disbelief and utter relief. Tears of gratitude.

I had cancer! I beat it before I even knew I had it - knocked it to the curb in one day! How did I deserve to be so lucky? I had cancer but I get to skip it too? This prognosis meant I would not have to endure the treatments that would make my body tired and sick the way I saw my sister endure. My mind wouldn't have to run through all the emotional worry. Instead, I would get to go biking and camping with my family this summer - worry free with my health!

What. A. Miracle.

In that moment, I felt more loved and seen by my Heavenly Father than ever before! And in the same breath I also felt unworthy of such a miraculous blessing. Life isn't fair. So many women go through so much worse.

Suddenly, all the puzzle pieces came together.

When my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 28 in 2017, doctors found the cause to be an inherited BRCA2 gene mutation. Instead of suppressing tumors, her body was more likely to make them. It was imperative that I test for the gene too. As it turns out, I am also a BRCA2 gene carrier.

So for the last few years I have faithfully gone in for screening tests every six months. I had a feeling of peace though. Upon opening those results, my gut *knew* I would not have cancer any time soon. I could have one more baby and nurse him. And so I did! Ezra was born and I nursed him for 18 wonderful months.

Fast forward six months later to this past summer, however, and I had a recurring thought. "You should get a doctor's appointment. You really should seriously consider a double mastectomy." Of course I pushed it off.

Then my husband Bron called on the phone. "Hey, I've been thinking about ya. Have you gotten a doctor's appointment yet?"

I knew it was more than just a thought then. It was a prompting and I needed to act on it.

So I got a routine check up with a nice nurse practitioner who referred me to a highly rated breast specialist in the Boise area. Six weeks later I drove over to the big city to meet with this doctor. I anticipated I'd feel more confused about which direction I should pursue but instead left the appointment clear headed and happy. How strange to feel good about scooping my breast tissue out like a jack-o-lantern!

I met with the plastic surgeon about my immediate reconstruction a couple of months later. This time I brought Bron along with me. He too felt good about the decision to go forward with a double mastectomy.

My mastectomy always felt right, but it doesn't mean it was an easy decision. Once we set a surgery date for February 24th, the realities suddenly became very real. I silently freaked out. I woke up in the mornings having dreamt about it. I searched the internet. I could hardly eat the day before surgery! I was so scared.

Fortunately, surgery went smoothly. Currently, I am resting and healing.

I am so glad to have that source of anxiety behind me! A double mastectomy is an extreme prevention tool, but I feel so validated. I made the right decision, at exactly the right time. Coincidences like that just don't happen; it was orchestrated. God knows me and was watching out for me and our family! He has another purpose and plan for my life in mind. Wow. Nothing but gratitude over and over and over again.

Today I am the luckiest cancer ~~survivor~~ statistic ever.

Saying goodbye to the OGs before surgery. The IV Ninja nurse hooked me up!

The morning after surgery.

Drains. Tape. Padding. Sharpie lines on my skin. A giant nerve block.

*****

This is Artifact Motherhood -- a project shared with other female artists around the world who are documenting our journeys as mothers and creating memories for our children through our photographs and words.

Please visit the next wonderful artist LEILA BALIN to read her post in our blog circle.

2.10.2022

I deceived myself going into the school year. With two boys in school full time, I thought I would be able to get some things done with just half my children at home during the day. How wrong I was! Two is still a handful. I'm currently in that phase of life where taking a shower is risky business. I can never be sure what messes and mischief await me when I step out! So at 12:45PM every afternoon when Conrad is at preschool and Ezra is down for a nap, I suddenly find myself hands free in a quiet house for 90 blissful minutes. I have a decision to make: Do I use that time to conquer a chore or do something for myself?

And therein lies my problem.

Fortunately, I am seasoned enough to know that this is just a phase; it will pass too quickly. So I grab my camera to document the mischief. I relish how their little hands feel in mine. I try to really listen to Conrad's high pitched voiced as he spews questions and ideas all day long that make me laugh. And I savor every time Ezra falls asleep in my arms... because someday I'll have enough time for both the chores and myself.

Right now, my time belongs to them.

This is Artifact Motherhood -- a project shared with other female artists who are documenting our journeys as mothers and creating memories for our children through our photographs and words.

Please visit the next wonderful artist CARLA MONGE to read her post in our blog circle.

*****

5.27.2021

It's been a wonderful year watching him grow and learn. He's becoming his own little person. There is so much joy in having a baby. But when it's the last one, there's a distinct sting to it too - for every one of his firsts is my last as a mama.

Happy First Birthday, Ezra!

artifact motherhood, #artifactmotherhood

This is Artifact Motherhood -- a project shared with other female artists who are documenting our journeys as mothers and creating memories for our children through our photographs and words.

Please visit the next wonderful artist LAUREN WEBSTER to read her post in our blog circle.

9.29.2020

My favorite spot in the house right now. It doesn't look like much; the chair is weathered and stained, but it's the corner in our home where I find slices of daily joy as I rock and nurse my last baby. I'm taking it all in: Ezra's tiny toes, his chunky thighs and wrist rolls, and the sound of his sighs as he drifts off to sleep in my arms. There's nothing else on earth quite like those quiet ordinary moments spent in this very chair. Nursing is connection and comfort, for both of us!

*****

This entry is a part of a series called "Seasons of Motherhood" and is meant to be one picture and one caption that represents our current journey/season of motherhood.

Please VISIT THE NEXT ARTIST in our blog circle, Carla Monge, and continue through all the artists until you get back to me!

5.26.2020

Baby's first sunrise. Just think: a whole lifetime of possibilities ahead! I wonder who this little boy will be.

*****

This is Artifact Motherhood; a collaboration of artists from around the world who have come together to share our stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Through our writings and visual records, we want to create memories that are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artifacts we are leaving behind for our children and for generations to come.

This entry is a part of a series which we've begun doing called "Seasons of Motherhood" and is meant to be one picture and one caption that represents our current journey/season of motherhood.

Please VISIT THE NEXT ARTIST in our blog circle, Paige Rains, and continue through all the artists until you get back to me!

3.04.2020

Current state of pregnancy at 27 weeks with baby number four: using my belly as a tabletop.
I'm going to miss this perk.

This is Artifact Motherhood; a collaboration of artists from around the world who have come together to share our stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Through our writings and visual records, we want to create memories that are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artifacts we are leaving behind for our children and for generations to come.

This entry is the start of a new series which we've just begun doing called "Seasons of Motherhood" and is meant to be one picture and one caption that represents our current journey/season of motherhood.

Please visit the next artist in our blog circle, April Christopher, and continue through all the artists until you get back to me!

2.04.2020

This is Artifact Motherhood; a collaboration of artists from around the world who have come together to share our stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Through our writings and visual records, we want to create memories that are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artifacts we are leaving behind for our children and for generations to come. Please visit the next artist in our blog circle, Lauren Webster, and continue through all the artists until you get back to me!

^^Two of my favorite faces. The big boys let me take some headshots of them. I need to do this more often... because, you know, Mom goggles. Levi's wound is exactly a week old in these pictures. No more stitches and healing up well!^^

The other day, I sat and calculated what year each of my children will graduate from high school. This unborn baby will graduate in 2038. That feels like forever away! But then I calculated for Jed. He will graduate in 2028.

*Gulp*

That's just 8 years away! Those years are going to come and go in a blink. Jed is already more than halfway grown! What? How?? His early childhood has gone so fast!

Of course, these thoughts trigger other ones like, "Am I doing enough?" "Am I enjoying him enough?" And cue the mom guilt, am I right?!?

That's when I try to back it up and answer myself honestly. Yes, I am doing the very best that I can. Some days I feel like an utter failure, but I am learning and growing right alongside my children. My love for them is the driving force behind my getting up every morning to try and try again.

As for enjoying him enough? The honest answer is yes and no.

9.27.2019

There seems to be this big universal question going around the internet these days:

HOW CAN I BE HAPPY?

Well, here are my thoughts on the matter. I'm no expert, keep in mind. But I do feel like a generally happy person.

First, I've got to say that I don't believe that we are meant to be happy 100% of the time. No way. Having "opposition in all things" (2 Nephi 2:11) includes our feelings. And if you suffer from an illness like depression or anxiety, feelings are a lot more complicated. Anyway, that said, the sweet is so much sweeter after the sour!

Next, I believe that our thoughts create our feelings. It's totally something I learned from listening to some Jody Moore podcasts and I think she is right on. We are in charge of our own lives, so let's take control of what we can and conquer those dreams and goals! Think positively; see the glass as half full. And give other people the benefit of the doubt. Being lenient and forgiving of others has silently given me permission to forgive myself of my own shortcomings. (Or at least that's what I've noticed about myself!)

Lastly, Happiness = Summer Time! Duh! The warm sunshine, the outdoor adventure, and family time are the perfect trifecta for making life extra good.

8.05.2019

Dear Boys,

I had an experience this month that showed me how truly broken I am. I had just spent a week with my mom, sister, and brother. We made so many fun memories together. When our trip was over, I drove two and a half hours alone in the car to get back home to you. And I cried. I bawled, actually. My emotions swept me away and took me completely by surprise. "Why in the world am I crying so much?"

Then it occurred to me: I left my childhood behind -- including all those unanswered and un-dealt with emotions -- years ago. I turned 18 and moved away. I attended college, married your dad, and haven't looked back since. We've created a wonderful life together, your dad and I, that includes you three boys. It's a life (and a relationship) I always dreamed of for myself. I feel so lucky sometimes that I have to pinch myself.

The irony is that I know it can be all swept out from underneath me in an instant. Your Aunt Lauren feels the same way about her life! We seem to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, as if some big ominous trial lies around every good corner. That mindset right there is a reflection of our childhood.

Don't misunderstand. I enjoyed a great childhood! I have many precious memories that include bike rides, and beaches, and road trips to see cousins.

But my childhood was also riddled with emotional trauma. Memories from my parents' divorce when I was eight years old (years of drama!) clear through the verbal and emotional abuse I endured primarily from my stepdad as a teenager, all came flooding back.

I feel like I need to write those memories out here to justify myself, but I won't. Some stories are just pretty plain messed up. It all happened though and how I feel is how I feel.

How I feel is what's bothering me though. Apparently I have not dealt with these feelings yet, just buried them in the past.

Nelson Notes

SLIDER