Artifact Motherhood | Feelings From My Childhood

Artifact Motherhood | Feelings From My Childhood

8.05.2019

Dear Boys,

I had an experience this month that showed me how truly broken I am.  I had just spent a week with my mom, sister, and brother.  We made so many fun memories together.  When our trip was over, I drove two and a half hours alone in the car to get back home to you.  And I cried.  I bawled, actually.  My emotions swept me away and took me completely by surprise.  "Why in the world am I crying so much?"

Then it occurred to me: I left my childhood behind -- including all those unanswered and un-dealt with emotions -- years ago.  I turned 18 and moved away.  I attended college, married your dad, and haven't looked back since.  We've created a wonderful life together, your dad and I, that includes you three boys.  It's a life (and a relationship) I always dreamed of for myself.  I feel so lucky sometimes that I have to pinch myself.

The irony is that I know it can be all swept out from underneath me in an instant.  Your Aunt Lauren feels the same way about her life!  We seem to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, as if some big ominous trial lies around every good corner.  That mindset right there is a reflection of our childhood.

Don't misunderstand.  I enjoyed a great childhood!  I have many precious memories that include bike rides, and beaches, and road trips to see cousins.

But my childhood was also riddled with emotional trauma.  Memories from my parents' divorce when I was eight years old (years of drama!) clear through the verbal and emotional abuse I endured primarily from my stepdad as a teenager, all came flooding back.

I feel like I need to write those memories out here to justify myself, but I won't.  Some stories are just pretty plain messed up. It all happened though and how I feel is how I feel.

How I feel is what's bothering me though.  Apparently I have not dealt with these feelings yet, just buried them in the past.

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When I Asked

When I Asked

1.03.2017

The new worldwide church youth theme for the year comes from James 1:5-6. "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."  As the teacher presented the new theme to all the young women at church on Sunday, I became lost in thought and was taken back to exactly this time last year.

I was aching and I was desperate.  Two years, one miscarriage, and countless tears later, we just could not conceive a baby.  I know I sound like a broken record when I mention our struggle, but it was one of the harder challenges I've ever had to navigate through, not knowing why or if I'd ever become pregnant again.  And I wanted another baby so badly!  I had hit my low point, the time when I had absolutely no where else to turn but to God.  No one in the world could possibly provide an answer; not a doctor, not family, not a friend.  Only my Heavenly Father had an answer for me.  It was truly humbling.

And so I fasted and I prayed.  I asked Heavenly Father to bless us with another baby and if it was not His will, I asked Him to bless me with peace; peace to know that raising the two amazing boys I already had was exactly His plan for me and that it was enough.

As I prayed, I felt a distinct impression: 2016 was going to be our year!  We would have a baby!  I also felt that I just needed to hang on a little bit longer, it would happen soon, February or March to be exact.

And so I pressed on with faith and hope.  But oh how easy it is to forget and become discouraged.  By the time March arrived, I'd given up hope that I would ever be pregnant again.  But that's when it did.  That's when I saw two precious lines on a pregnancy test!

Sunday, I looked down at the baby peacefully sleeping in my arms.  Tears filled my eyes because here he was: Conrad, that perfect baby whom fills my heart with so much joy and is more than I could ever dream.  Conrad is a living reminder that my Heavenly Father does answer prayers, that He has gentle lessons to teach me, and that He loves me.

 ^^A little experiment with in-camera double exposures and little Christmas lights.^^

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Easter 2016

Easter 2016

3.30.2016

 ^^Friends and neighbors.  All ready for the giant Easter Egg hunt!^^

I wouldn't say we enjoyed our week long Spring break.  The weather was cold and blustery.  And we all wound up coming down with a nasty case of stuffy noses and coughs.  At least it knocked me out of commission for a full day!  Also, the afternoon I did take the boys out to see a movie at the planetarium, Levi pulled a number of terrible-three stunts.  I drove home thinking, "That was supposed to be fun.  It totally wasn't."  But Jed and Levi did appreciate the slower days, just being able to hang out at home together and play.  And fortunately, Easter weekend arrived as a pleasant bookend to our week.

The fun started Friday afternoon when we, along with a host of other friends and neighbors, were invited to the Taylor's home for a giant Easter egg hunt!  It was probably the highlight of my boys' week.  Not kidding, there were at least three hundred eggs dropped and hidden throughout the property.  I thought the eggs were all going to blow away on the wind, but the kids were fast and quickly grabbed them up!  Then Jed and Levi sat excitedly opening every plastic egg to discover their spoils and surprises.  Afterwards, we adults enjoyed a warm potluck meal and conversation while the kids played on a sugar high.  Good memories.

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The Week of Thanksgiving

The Week of Thanksgiving

12.01.2015

We enjoyed a busy yet relaxing wonderful break from our daily grind last week as we celebrated Thanksgiving!

I think it all started Tuesday morning when Levi and I showed up--along with a host of other parents and little siblings--to the annual Kindergarten Thanksgiving Feast at school.  Those innocent five and six year olds didn't disappoint in their cuteness.  Jed walked in wearing his handmade Indian costume eagerly looking for me.  I'm so glad I was there to witness it.  He was sooo excited to show off his costume and say his lines!  Levi, on the other hand, was just excited to eat.  Haha.

We wound up bringing home an entire untouched Costco pumpkin pie with us.  I had no idea that Costco pie would be so tasty!  For $6, I may never make my own ever again.  Not kidding one bit, between Levi and I, we ate an entire half a pie in 24 hours.  Gobble!  Gobble! 

Wednesday morning we woke up to a beautiful blanket of white snow!  Add on the fact that there was no school and I was officially in vacation mode.  The kids and I dressed up and played for a full hour together in the front yard while the snow continued to fall.  I attached a rope to one of the boys' sleds and proceeded to drag them around.  The boys were all smiles from there!  Whew.  I think I need a four wheeler or something.  That was a workout.  But their giggles and laughter made it all more than worth it.  Can't wait to play again. 

^^Jed has the right idea.  Future snow boarder right there.^^

^^Yummy!  What's with kids always eating snow?!^^

We decided to leave for the Nelson Dairy Wednesday evening to beat the potentially icy roads Thursday morning.  And we are so glad we did.  We had plenty of Nelson family Thanksgiving traditions to uphold and we weren't about to be late!

Our Thanksgiving morning began with more snow.  Why can't the magic of snow last all winter long?!  There's nothing like waking up to a layer of fresh powder.  It is sooo pretty!  All three of us, (Jed, Levi and I), were anxious to get out and play.  First, we gathered eggs... ahem, I mean chased Grandma's chickens.  Then Jed and Levi caught a tractor ride with Grandpa.  They were so excited they practically oozed happiness out their ears.  They think Grandpa hung the moon because who else could possibly be cool enough to drive real life monster sized tractors?  Levi even went out again the next night... in the freezing cold and dark.  He's a die hard fan.

But enough about the farm.  Let's talk food and traditions.  Flint and Bron smoked the turkey and ham this year.  Delicious!  And naturally, we had more pies than we knew what to do with.  It was a weekend of gluttony, I must admit.  After Thanksgiving dinner, we played games, opened up matching Christmas jammies, and finally broke out the store ads to plan our Black Friday shopping spree.

It was Nichole and Chantee's very first trip and I think Merri Sue and I indoctrinated the girls very well.  We were out the door by 6AM and shopped til we dropped, or actually, sat down to a warm breakfast at Perkins.  I love getting 90% of my shopping done in one swoop like that.  It really helps make the Christmas season feel less stressful for me.

Then we met the boys in Rexburg for our traditional bowling game followed by pizza.  Yum!  (I told you we ate a lot.  Haha.)  And we talked and teased a lot too.  Good times.  Oh, but I can't forget our little date Friday night with Kaleb, Chantee, and Call to play laser tag!  It's been so long since I've done something like that.  I got killed.  A lot.  But hey, it was a riot.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!    

^^Loving on the baby calves.^^

^^Happiness in a nutshell for Jed and Levi.^^

^^It always surprises me how cool something as ordinary as a stack of wood can become when given a few tweaks in Lightroom.^^

^^Beautiful log cabin looking quite festive and inviting during a snow storm!^^

^^Sandy, 'ol girl.^^

^^Snowball fight with Dad!  Notice how Bron is growing facial hair!!!  No shave November, or something like that.  I'm actually really liking it and so is he.^^

^^Eating more snow.^^

^^Freeezing in the single digits or not, I cannot get enough of these GORGEOUS frosted trees lately!^^

^^I know!  I need to force the family to get used to my camera.  We need more pictures of everyone, right?  Right.  Documentation is important.^^

^^The yummiest dinner and cutest name card!^^

I feel so very blessed to belong to such an incredible family whom love and work and play.  It's hard to put all my feelings of thankfulness into words because as I've looked around me this past month, my blessings become numberless.  It's the big things like a home and heat and food on the table.  But it's also the small things like the pretty light on that leaf in the picture above and the way Levi just thanked Jed for doing something thoughtful.  Every single blessing is no more important than another and they weave themselves into the most beautiful tapestry that is my life.  All these beautiful blessings and moments that I am surrounded with everyday but hardly take the time to notice!  I want to bottle up my children's silly jokes, chatter, and laughter, their limitless imaginations, and all the affection I am smothered with daily by all three of my men.  No, life isn't perfect, but I'm learning to appreciate the here and now.  And I feel so very happy and whole.  Life and God are good.     

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Rain One Day and Snow the Next. Welcome November!

Rain One Day and Snow the Next. Welcome November!

11.04.2015

 ^^Making waves!^^

^^Soaking his "glubs"^^

^^The last of my pretty yellow roses.  Thankfully, they return and grow like weeds each year.  Perennials are God's gift to those of us with very black thumbs.  ;)^^

 ^^Enjoying a couple extra morning hours with Dad before he had to leave on a work trip.^^

 ^^Giving his new friend a sweet hug... and then I'm pretty sure Levi took a quick bite out of him!^^

On Monday after Jed went to school, Levi and I dressed in our jackets and rain boots to play in the rain.  Levi made waves in the puddles!  When we came in, we dried off and drank hot chocolate with mini marshmallows together.

On Tuesday after Jed went to school, Levi and I dressed in our winter coats and boots to play in the first snow of the season!  Levi tried sledding.  Then we built a snowman chuck full of yellow leaves and grass--but I like a friend with a little color in his cheeks, don't you?  The hat, sunglasses, and scarf were all completely Levi's idea.  I think he nailed it!  So cute.  When we came in, we dried off and drank hot chocolate with mini marshmallows together.

November is officially in full swing and so is the weather.  It makes me wonder a little bit about what tomorrow will bring!  But with November also comes thoughts about gratitude.  One thing that drives me crazy about my children is their insistence on always wanting more: more fun, more candy, more books, more toys. And they want it right now.  It's all a natural part of childhood.  However, I got to thinking about how much I am ironically just like my own children and I'm supposed to be the grown-up!  I want so much and I want it all NOW.  Just like my children, the patience and discipline to wait can be hard.  And just as I teach my children to focus on the positives-- to focus on what they do have and the fun they just had--I, more than ever, need to do the same.  I have so much to be grateful for right now.  My life is not perfect, but it is over-flowing in blessings.  I'm a glass half-full person by nature.  Finding the silver linings in situations comes relatively easy for me.  But as I've made an effort to really be content with my life as it is in this moment, I am finding even more happiness.  I don't need anything more than what I've already been given.  Contentment in the here and now, yes, I think that's what I'm learning this month.           

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