4.21.2015

Rough Week: When One of My Worst Fears Became Reality

I hesitate to share this narrative publicly, but this is our family's journal.  I'm not writing this for attention or sympathy.  This is a story that is near and dear to my heart that I don't want completely forgotten... because it happened.  A baby happened.  Maybe one day this will all be nothing but a sad memory instead of the open and bleeding wound it is now.  And maybe someday I'll be able to look back and see God's hand in all of this.  But for now, I need to write it out on paper; it helps me to process, to leave events behind and move peacefully forward.


Let's start at the very beginning...

As many of you may know, I had been aching to add another baby to our family.  Month followed month without any luck.  No baby.  Finally, a full year after Bron and I began "trying," I threw in the towel and gave the whole business up: if it happened it happened.  I signed up for a big bike race and started making other plans. 

Miraculously, four weeks or so later, I was late.  One day late.  Two days late.  Three days late.  It was March 2nd.  I was so nervous to take that little test that my hands were shaking.  I set the pregnancy test on the counter; I couldn't look at it.  I'd already endured too many negative results over the last year.  So I took out the trash instead.  When I came back, two of the loveliest pink lines were staring back at me.  I couldn't believe it.  I was finally pregnant!  I fell to my knees in happy tears.

No joke, that positive test sat on the counter for two full weeks.  I just couldn't believe that it was finally for real!  I'd glance at it every time I was in the bathroom.  Yup, pregnant.  I couldn't help grinning from ear to ear.  I was so thrilled that over the coming weeks I let family and many of my close friends in on our exciting little secret: a baby due the first week of November!

Then April 15th began one of the roughest weeks of my life.

Last Wednesday afternoon my stomach started to feel awful.  Fortunately, Bron arrived home from his Montana trip early and was able to help me put the boys to bed.  I spent the rest of the night puking up every last shred of food from my stomach.  It was miserable.  I sat on the couch Thursday recovering.  I pounded the Gatorade trying to rehydrate myself--myself and my baby.  Come to find out, there was a nasty flu bug making its way around our neighborhood.

Friday I was feeling much better and we packed the car to spend the weekend at Grandma and Grandpa Nelson's.  We celebrated all the April birthdays with a delicious dutch oven cookout and the grandkids got to go on a belated Easter egg hunt!  Soon after arrival, however, Merri Sue ushered me into the house when she noticed some spotting in my yellow pants as I squatted down to talk to my niece.  My emotions came swooping in like a tidal wave.  I couldn't help the hot tears.  Was I miscarrying?  I wasn't entirely sure.  Maybe I was just spotting.  Either way, it felt scary.  Merri Sue helped me pull myself together enough to join the family outside.

It was killer hearing all those genuinely enthusiastic congratulatory phrases, the questions about how I'd been feeling and when the baby was due.  I answered as quickly as possible; I didn't really want to talk about it.  "There might not be a baby," I pushed the thought aside.

Next morning, more blood.  I instinctively knew: I was miscarrying my baby.

At that very moment I wanted nothing more than to curl up inside the warm embrace of my husband's arms.  I crawled back into bed beside Bron and sobbed.  I just sobbed.  The pain of disappointment hurt so, so bad.  All those hopes and dreams and plans suddenly erased.  A life no more.

Not sure what to do, I called my doctor's office.  The doctor on call reassured me that spotting was normal and that they'd see me Monday morning to check for a heartbeat.  Hope!  But for some reason I still couldn't help my eyes from welling up in tears.  I couldn't talk about it--even think about it--without crying.  Bron felt so, so bad.  The thought of a miscarriage hurt him too, but more so, he hurt for me.  He wanted to fix it, to make it better, but there simply wasn't (and isn't) anything he could do but be the supportive rock I needed him to be.  

Monday finally rolled around.  I would have been 11 weeks along.  Bron took the day off of work to accompany me to the doctor's office and we dropped the little boys off with a good friend.  The doctor reassured me that the bleeding could have been a result of my stomach bug.  She checked for a heartbeat.  None.  I went back for an ultrasound.  As soon as the screen came alive I knew something was wrong; I didn't see a fluttering peanut anywhere.  But there, unmoving in the corner, measuring around 6 weeks gestation was my tiny baby.  The technician checked in several different ways: no heartbeat.

It was official: I had miscarried my baby.

I was surprised that the hot tears didn't begin anew.  I think deep down inside I knew there would be no heartbeat.  One of my worst fears had just become my reality.  It wasn't as scary as I'd imagined it would be though.  The knowledge just felt... heavy.  Bron squeezed my hand as we listened to the doctor explain a few things.  I saw his eyes well with tears.  It hurt.  We hurt.

Now we wait for my body to do the rest.  It's not over.  My stomach is still swollen with fluids and inside lies my tiny unborn baby bean.  I feel anxious about going through "mini labor" and dispelling everything my body has worked so hard to maintain these last months.  (Can't I keep this baby?)  But I'm also ready to put this all behind me, to heal, to try again.

I have felt nothing but an outpouring of love from family and friends.  The love and tears I've felt in my behalf has been overwhelming.  I appreciate every call, every text.  A hug goes a long way.  So do flowers and brownies.  And those women who say they've been there, who know exactly how I feel--it's strangely comforting.  They all had more children.  There's hope for me too.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn from this experience, but I am learning a lot, especially about compassion and what it feels like to be on the receiving end.  It's humbling.  If anything, I now have more empathy for women whose hardships cut much deeper. 

But still, the tears come and go.  I'll be fine one minute but the next my eyes are watery and red.  I'm sure it will be quite a while before I can talk about this without crying.  But that's okay because it means I loved this baby.  And I wonder.  I wonder if my little bean had a spirit.  Will I meet that spirit again in this life... or the next?  I'm grieving and it's normal.  Life will go on.  I know everything will be okay.  I still have so much to be grateful for and happy about.  This is just one of those unfair situations in life that just plain sucks.

^^I ordered these sweet sunny moccs just especially for my baby I was so excited about.  They arrived the day I had the ultrasound that confirmed I'd miscarried.  Of course.  Cruel irony.^^

17 comments:

  1. So sorry you have to go through this Jessie! Prays for your sweet family!

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  2. Jessie I'm so sorry to hear that. Tears are rolling down my face. I know just how you feel. I miscarried between Hailey and Keira. It is a much harder trial to go through than you realize, until you're there. Hang in there. It took me months and months to finally let go. It was hard when that not to be due date rolled around and I saw friends and family rejoicing in the births of their new babies. I still think about that baby occasionally. In fact I was just thinking yesterday about how that baby would have been turning 4 this next month. I will tell you though as time went on I felt more okay with how things have turned out. I'm happy with the spacing of my children and feel that things have worked out just fine. That first trimester still gives me a bit of panic and worry. Your heart may never totally completely heal, but you can get through the worst of it. It just takes time.

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  3. Oh, sweet Jessie. I'm so very sorry for your loss. There are no words that can make it better or okay or normal. I'll be praying for you guys and thinking of that sweet little peanut.

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  4. Oh Jessie, How I feel for you. How I wish I could come and give you a hug and take you out for some comfort food. There is nothing worse then losing a baby that you already so unconditionally loved. Its a feeling of sadness that I don't think that ever really goes away. I still think back to my first one, how old the baby would be (almost 7!) and wonder what life would have been like if I had that baby here with me. Only time and the love of our Savior will help the hurt feel a little less over time Prayers to you and Bron.

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  5. I'm so sorry, Jessie. I agree that life can sometimes just suck and miscarriages can be really emotionally painful. You are in a lot of thoughts and prayers and it can be comforting knowing that so many women can feel empathy for you.

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  6. You are so brave to share. I know doing so went a long way in helping me heal when I experienced the same thing. It is honestly one of the most difficult things I have ever been through, but you will get through to the other side. Be patient with yourself, be patient with your body. Lots of love to you my sweet friend!

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  7. This was very hard to read, and quite honestly, I had to read it in increments. I was at work, and I could not help the flow of tears. It hurt, and it made me realize how much I have grown to care and love you. It takes great courage to share this, and I admire you for that. You are a wonderful, good person, and there are so many people who love you and who are hurting with you. If you need anything from, we are here for you, and we always will be....

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  8. I am so so so sorry. I remember you telling me that one of your greatest fears has always been miscarrying. It's a horrible club to be a part of, I know.. I'm hoping and praying for you. I'm so sorry.

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  9. Thinking of you and sending lots of prayers your way. I can't imagine how hard this must have been for you and your sweet little family. Now you all have a special little angel in Heaven looking out for you.

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  10. Oh Jessie, I'm in tears over here right now. I am so heart broken for you because I know how badly you wanted this baby. I am SO sorry you have to experience this pain and heart break! I AM grateful for the knowledge that families are forever and you will raise this little one someday, but I wish there was something that could erase the pain you're feeling now :( Praying for you and your sweet family!!

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  11. Oh how my heart aches for you as you have to go through this. We had a miscarriage before Charli at about 13 weeks. I had to actually go in and be put under due to my disease and my Doctor not wanting me to go through everything on my own. I can say I know exactly how you are feeling and I will say some extra prayers for strength, comfort, and healing during this time. You are such an amazing and beautiful mama! Xoxo

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  12. Prayers for you sweet friend. I know how much you have prayed for and loved this little baby and I am so sorry that you have to go through this loss. I will be praying that your angel baby will lead that 3rd child to you and you won't have to suffer more pain! Love your sweet fam so much. xoxo

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  13. I'm so so sorry. I've never been in your position, but I can't imagine it's at all easy. I'll be sure to remember your sweet family in my prayers. Love and hugs.

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  14. I am so sorry for your loss Jessie. I wish I could be there to give you one BIG hug. I am not sure of the lesson in all of this, but I know you are an outstanding mom and an amazing woman. Please don't give up hope. I will be keeping you in my prayers. XOXO.

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  15. I am very behind on reading blogs, so, I am only seeing this now. Prayers for comfort as the days go on, my friend. I can't imagine this feeling. I read about it so often with other women, but to actually experience it, I just can't put myself on those shoes no matter how hard I try. May His peace be upon you and your family during this time of loss.

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  16. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I too had a miscarriage after my first two babies and know the pain you are experiencing. We named our baby and we include him or her in our nightly prayers with the kids-even the younger two. You are one awesome woman! I shut down completely for a while and didn't want to talk to anyone about it. Especially if they had never experienced it. I am thankful for the closeness it brought to my husband and me and I am thankful for the reminder to cherish every moment with the wonderful family that I have been blessed with. Love you! I will keep your lovely family in my prayers.

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