"The Bus" and One of My New Year Goals

"The Bus" and One of My New Year Goals

• 1.10.2019

For twenty minutes today, I was a really awesome mom.  Conrad wanted to wear a backpack, so I found the little dinosaur one Jed wore to preschool.  Conrad lovingly placed his sippy cup in it and I helped him zip up the backpack.  Then Conrad found a Little People castle with a handle and packed that around like a lunch box.  (How does he know?!?)  All the while he was jabbering on about a bus.  "Bus? Bus?" he asked.  Conrad really wants to ride the bus with his older brothers.  It was 11am and a big yellow bus sighting wasn't going to happen any time soon, so I improvised.  I grabbed three chairs from the kitchen table and set them up in a row.  I sat down in the first seat and told Conrad this was our bus.  He promptly caught on to this game of pretend and with a huge smile occupied the chair behind me.  We waved.  We bumped up and down in our seats.  We went around sharp corners.  We sang.  And Conrad LOVED every minute.  He ate it all up!  And I felt like a million bucks for those twenty minutes.

I wish I had more of those moments everyday.  I know I should give myself a big pat on the back for the things that I do do everyday.  Little things from sweet hugs when the boys leave for school in the morning, to making a nutritious dinner, to changing a million stinky daily diapers, to listening to my kids, to helping my boys learn their instruments, and the list of positive things I do goes on and on!  However, it's so easy to overlook those things when there's a sink full of day old dirty dishes, when the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in nearly a month, or when I yell at my kids.  I wish I could consistently be that awesome mom who has her crap all together, but the truth is that I'm very very human.

Sometimes I'm tired.  Sometimes I'm stressed.  Sometimes their incessant fighting drives me straight up bonkers!

Having your crap together is HARD. It is hard hard work to create lasting meaningful habits, to live with intention.  It would be so much more enjoyable to just go with the flow, but a whole lot more unfulfilling too.  Probably depressing overall.  And so I push on.

I guess that's why we all have bad days here and there?  We drop the ball and pick it back up again because we're imperfect human beings who hear the lazy call of the couch?

I started a thing last week.  We'll call it Operation Lose 10 Pounds. A couple of my friends joined a six week fitness challenge at a local studio in November.  Through both exercise and diet, they were both able to lose about ten pounds and 5% body fat.  Amazing!  I'm so proud of them.  Of course, I can't be the fat friend.  No, that would be embarrassing!  So I jumped on the band wagon, paid a wager, and began my own six week challenge through the same studio on January 2nd.  The pressure is ON!

I admit, I'm ornery.  I haven't had one 100% day following the diet plan.  I hate egg whites and protein shakes with water are barely palatable.  But my calories are always within my goal deficit range and protein makes up at least half of my calories.

I have a goal to exercise 5 days a week: 3 days at the studio and 2 days cycling at the Roost. However, that means making some sacrifices somewhere.  I've been getting up at 5am consistently to workout.  Which means I need to be in bed by 9:45pm; it's happened once. I am sleep deprived.  And when I am sleep deprived, I feel angry.  In short, I've been a hot monster of a mess the last few days.

Needless to say, circling back around, I have not been the awesome mom this week that I strive so hard to be.  I feel so guilty.  Lord, give me grace; a whole bucket full as I slowly learn and grow and change.

I fully expected this would be hard.  I just hope I can find a good groove sooner than later and lift this tired fog.

Is it worth it?  I think it's worth it.  Someone please tell me it'll be worth it.