Today Is Jed's First Day of Preschool and I'm a Mess

My heart just broke and I am a blubbery emotional mess.  I cried in the car when we left the school.  I nearly bawled when a nice woman called to go over the bus schedule with me last Friday.  I have a lump in my throat the size of a basketball.  I'm barely keeping it together, folks.

And all because my baby is starting preschool.

Jed is three and half years old now and I originally chose not to put him into preschool this year for three reasons: 1.  He still has next year  2.  Why make myself busier than I need to be?  3.  He will spend the rest of his foreseeable life in school.  (A little dramatic?)  But I really believe kids need to be kids and play!

However, as this school year wore on, Bron and I both became a little more concerned about Jed's speech.  Jed has never been a particularly articulate child, which is fine for boys, I hear.  And although he can make an "s" sound or "b" sound, he isn't using them within words, among other things.  So I took him into our local school district's preschool to be evaluated for my own peace of mind.

Ironically, he hasn't even seen the speech therapist yet.  He qualified to attend school on account of his motor skills.  You see, Jed has a tremor.  His hand (and sometimes his whole body) shakes when he is nervous or excited.  And though I thought nothing of it (Remember, he's my first child.  I don't know any different.), Jed's doctor noticed the tremor at his two year appointment and recommended he see an occupational therapist.  So we had an occupational therapist come to our home every week for about six months.  No one could quite pinpoint the problem.  Bron just thought Jed grew too tall too fast.  I thought maybe he had slightly lower muscle tone.  Who knows? 

After a while it became apparent to me that Jed is simply on the slower end for motor skills on average for boys his age--not by too much, just a few weeks.  And frankly, that doesn't bother me.  After all, somebody has to be a little slower to make an average, right?  My biggest concern is that Jed is able to keep up in the classroom and on the playground with his peers.  He doesn't ever need to be the smartest or the most athletic because his worth is not determined by those things.

Jed has made leaps and bounds in his development this year.  I am so, so proud of him.  I guess it just hurts to realize that my child could really benefit from some of the help he would get at preschool. 

But still... it's so incredibly hard for me to let go.  (Why is it so HARD for me?)

He's my baby.  For the last three and a half years he has been by my side 24/7.  He's been my sweet little sidekick and it just feels like our carefree time together is coming to an end all too soon.  I cherish those moments when we sit together to read book after book or when I chase him around the couch or when we play hide-and-go-seek.  I know he'll just be gone for four hours, but that's over a third of the time he's actually awake!  I suppose I will just have to make the hours he is home count.

I sure love you, Jed.  I love you so much.  I'm really going to miss you when you're at school.  I hope you surprise me with how much you learn and grow.  But mostly,  I hope you come home happy and ready to play, play, play.


  1. I recognized the moment I first held Grace skin to skin that that moment would be the closest she and I would ever be to one another -- that every moment afterward would usher in the gradual, albeit natural separation that must occur between mother and child. I mean, we know they won't fit in our arms forever, right? But that "knowing" is such a different thing than actually having to deal with it in real life. For me, going back to work was seriously one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. So I feel your pain, mama! But console yourself with the fact that, not only will it definitely be good for him, he's going to have a BLAST. :) He'll make tons of friends and then want to come home and tell the most important person in his whole world - you! - all about it. Praying for you, friend!

  2. This is sweet. I know it's hard to let go, but I bet you he'll enjoy his time at preschool. :)

  3. aww. he is going to have so much fun.. and his excitement is going to thrill you.
    my son had a speech delay.. still is slower than an average 3 1/2 year old but no longer has a delay according to evaluations.. he started going to play school when he was around 2 1/2 years old and while it was so difficult he blossomed because of it.. while he didn't utter a word the first 3 months there.. they thought he couldn't speak at all.. but a year later we are amazed at the things he can say.. he surprises us constantly.. and he loves his school so much he wants to go on Saturday's too.

    I am sure Jed will blossom.

  4. Aww Jed is one special kid. He has the brightest eyes! I love what your friend (Ryan) commented on here. We're here to help them become independent. School will be so good for him. It's okay to blubber :) it just means you're a good mom!

  5. Ahh my mommy heart hurts reading this, especially with such a brand new little boy snuggling next to me. I lucked out with the whole preschool thing since I started teaching preschool right when it was time for hadi to go. I'm terrified for kindergarten.. I can guarantee you will see so much growth from having him go, and hopefully that will help you deal with it all. Teach me your coping ways as you learn them :) I'm going to need them in 2 years or so

  6. Just found your blog, and can totally understand how you are feeling!!! My daughter is 18 months and I am already nervous about her leaving me!! Love your pics and looking forward to following along!

  7. You are such a sweet mom. I hope it works out being great for both of you. :)

  8. Such a sweet post. I don't know what I'll do once Carson has to go to school:(

  9. I am already dreading the day I send Charli off for her first day... Gahhhh!!!! Why do they have to grow up so fast! I hope Jed had a great first day!

  10. Such a sweet post. Gavin got a snow day and was home on a weekday and I LOVED IT!! School is hard on our mommy hearts!

  11. How did his first day go?? My boys LOVE school and we started them both early (just a few days a week). I think they can definitely benefit from being around their peers. I hope he enjoys it and it helps with his development. And I hope you enjoy your one on one time with Levi! This mothering thing is tough stuff!

  12. I remember when Travis first started preschool I had many of the same emotions. Now 1.5 years later it's old news! It's still hard sometimes to see how big they are getting or how fast they are growing up, but it does get easier.

  13. Preschool will be good for him, and I know he will not only learn so much, but he will make friends and have fun. It is ok to get emotional about it because he is your baby, and he always will be. I don't know how the standards are in Idaho for grammar school, but in Fountain Valley, it is extremely stressful to manage all the demands and expectations. Fountain Valley has a very solid reputation for academic excellence in California, but it is a struggle to try to keep up. Preschool will give him a headstart. It is most important that he is happy and develops self confidence. He is a great boy, and we love him and are proud of him

  14. Hi! Remember me? I am a newbie here in Twin and commented long ago :) I still check your blog (and follow you on Instagram). This post was so sweet and I loved so many of the things you said. My oldest is 4 and has been going to school (only two days a week. Four would be much harder!) since September. Sometimes I feel bad that it wasn't so hard for me to let her start school, but I definitely miss her while she is gone. It's such a bittersweet feeling to watch your kids grow up. Anyways, from the "stalking" I have done it is obvious that you are a great mama and your boys are lucky to have you!

  15. Oh Jessie...I know what you're going through. My son qualifies for speech therapy and will most likely qualify for occupational therapy too. I feel the same way you do; I just want my son to be able to keep up with the others. I'm not looking for him to be a genius. It sounds like Jed is making incredible strides. Hang in there. You're an outstanding mom!!


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